A Hastily Thrown Together Traffic Rant

Not a crock pot crosspost.

It’s Wednesday. I should be combing the webbernets for a salient post and a savory recipe to share for Hump Day’s CPCP. Instead, I’m too filled with road hatred to focus. Yes, yes, I’m being petty, trite, and tired, and the subject of schmawwwful drivers is nowhere near interesting, but it’s what’s on my mind.

These are the thoughts most rattling around my bean right now:

1.  Sure, it’s daytime, BUT, it’s also pouring down rain and the sun has scarcely peeked through the Seattle clouds in weeks, so you need to PUT YOUR LIGHTS ON, idiots. Your dingy gray car is not visible against the dingy gray asphalt and bummed out gray March sky.

2.  I’m not going to drive like a bat out of What the Heck Fest just because you’re up my car’s buns in a parking garage. It’s a PARKING GARAGE. There are people walking around, cars backing out, sharp turns, merging traffic, this is not the time to pretend you’re in Too Fast, Too Furious Tokyo Takeout Part IV, okay eager Escalade? BACK OFF.

3.  WHHY-YYY (bellowed in the style of Nancy Kerrigan) do people who do nothing but drive all day long (cabbies) have the lowest driving competency of anyone? Speaking of other vehicles being up my car’s buns, when I find myself on a very steep, wet hill, I will also invariably, find a cab up my car’s buns. Because, apparently, either a) they hate me and they want to make it very difficult for me to not bruise my ride; or b) they hate their employers and want to bruise their own rides.

4.  Cross the street already. Crosswalkers, I will stop for you, I always stop for you, I’m a polite Seattleite. But pay it back by walking at a decent clip. I’m not asking you to jog, or even hustle, just don’t drag ace across the street. Unless you’re walking with a cane, then, by all means, do not pull or snap anything. But young people, quit dinkin’ around while you’re in a crosswalk, just get across and move on. Make it a game, pretend the street is hot lava. Because, trust me, if I breath fiery dragon breath at it in a furious rage, it will turn to hot lava.

5.  Do not turn left at an intersection where it will prevent everyone in the left lane from getting anydangthing done, if you can just turn left at a left turn signal at the next intersection. A little advanced planning (like one whole block in advance) will save us all some time and trouble.

6.  Be aggressive, B-E aggressive, B-E-A-GG-R-E-SS-I-V-E! There is no perfect turning moment, it will not come, take advantage of the imperfect turning moments. You’re probably a control freak or something, and I’m sorry if making a move in downtown traffic causes you anxiety, but just toss back a lorazepam and get it done. Okay, maybe don’t do that, you’re probably not supposed to drive on that kind of medication, say an affirmation and get it done.

This hastily thrown together traffic rant brought to you by the people (who drive cars) of Seattle.